My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is
now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This
list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and
Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to
those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money
saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of
the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third
world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Mess with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face
of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France,
or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace
deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go
to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
tables, too (and, Yassir, keep in mind that Israel is on List 1).
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many
UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid
parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You
creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over
to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we're
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try
not ticking us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President
Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.
I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around.
Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing
something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating
the NAFTA treaty -- starting now. We're tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying,
"darn tootin?" Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent
life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about
everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate Political Correctness
from America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you
and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas,
international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical
care for you and your entire family, with bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly
irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States
thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop,
or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your
children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal
rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence
in Mexico.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time. Because it
will never happen. In Mexico or any other country in the world -- Except
right here -- Land of the Dumb.
--Roy S. Alba II, USAF, Retired San Antonio, Mexico

Comments from a listener on the above comments (06/30/04) :

While I would like to see something similar, I have to say the Roy does
not quite understand his history terribly well. First of all, I would be
on list number two because I do not support this unlawful invasion of
Iraq, either. Does that make me a traitor? Secondly, The united States
government has no Constitutional authority to give ANY money to ANY
foreign nation, friend or foe. The patriotic mindset should be no foreign
aid to anyone. The writer wants to redirect the funds toward "solving the
vexing social(ist) problems we still have at home". My God, what has
happened to the Hour of the Time that you would advocate socialist
As for his "solution" concerning our illegal alien invasion from Mexico,
I understand that his commentary is tongue in cheek, but realistically,
the solution, it seems to me would be for the people of the States to
demand that Congress call forth the militia, militia, militia, to defend
that border from invasion.
Maybe I ask too much, that our elected officials should uphold the
principles and letter of the law as written into the Constitution that
they have sworn oath to. I'm surprised at you for not clarifying any
points of disagreement with the author of the letter, unless, of course,
you had none.


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