05/22/05

New element found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest chemical yet known to science. This new element has been
tentatively named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four
days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium  has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay
but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to
as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
When catalyzed with money,  Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.

---

04/22/05

WALKIN' EAGLE...

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering
of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona.
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for
increasing every Native American's present standard of
living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas,
how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian
issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his
plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas
for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented
the President with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then
departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs
of how they come to select the new name given to
the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to
a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

---

3/07/05

TAX TIMETo: Internal Revenue Service
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC 20001

Enclosed is my 2004 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats.
Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00.
Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040.
It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year, and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.

Sincerely,

Another satisfied taxpayer

 

---

02/28/05

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............

 

---

02/17/05

ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

---

11/02/04

Ordering a pizza in 2008:

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on,
eh,it's 6102049998-45-54610."Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at
1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's
494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you
calling from, sir?"Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this
information?"Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security
System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a
couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.
I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something
like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes' from your local library last week, sir.
That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two
family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife
and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the
crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have
to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its
limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll
be about 45 minutes,sir. If you're in a hurry you
might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's
paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir.
You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for
cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at
a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out
from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility.
Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of
Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary
clause prevents us from offering free soda to
diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut!"

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

(Maybe this was Bill Clinton's problem too!!!)

---

10/27/04

A farmer got pulled over by a local officer for speeding.
The officer started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in
general throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?"
The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are; I never heard of circle flies."
"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle
flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end
of a horse."
The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then he
stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."
The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

---

10/25/04

Subject:  The Dachshund

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal.
It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief,
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

---

09/17/04

John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on
the corner, with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and
says, "What's in the box, little lady?" Little Hannah says, "Kittens. They're
brand new kittens". John Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens
are they?" "Democrats," says Little Hannah. Oh that's cute," he
says goes on his way.
A couple of days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy Teddy Kennedy (can you imagine Ted Kennedy running?) and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead. Sen. Kerry says to Teddy, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah. Sen. Kerry says, "Look in the box Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those
little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are."
Little Hannah replies, "They're Republicans." "Whoa!" John Kerry
exclaims in total surprise. "I came by here the other day and you told me
they were Democrats. What's changed?" "Well," Little Hannah explains,
pointing into the box, "now their eyes are open!"

---------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington
State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you see the idiots I put
there."

---

08/10/04

Home remedies

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by
simply peeing in the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.

And Finally...Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know=
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

---

08/02/04

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

Memories

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

God Bless America!

---

07/19/04

Childbirth

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

---

07/08/04

My Mother Passed Away

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He
rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!" 

---

06/26/04

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant,
the third was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, The Engineer called to his cat, "T-square,
do your stuff."
T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and
a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the Accountant
said his cat could do better.  He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said
his cat could do better.  He called his cat and said, "Measure,
do your stuff."
Measure got up picked up a 500ml graduated cylinder, walked
over to the fridge, took out a liter of milk, got a 300 ml glass
from the cupboard, measured and poured exactly 275 ml of milk
into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good too.  Then the three men turned
to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break,
do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped
on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers comp, and went home on sick leave.

---

06/21/04

Subject: Lemons
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

---

06/19/04

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

---

06/15/04

Ramblings of a retired mind - Author Unknown

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on a curve rather than pass/fail.

---

05/09/04

Political Differences

 
How do you tell the difference between democrats, republicans and southern republicans?
 
Now look closely.
 
Answer. Pose the following question:
 
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
 
Democrat's Answer:
 
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
 
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
 
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
 
Could we run away?
 
What does my wife think?
 
What about the kids?
 
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
 
What does the law say about this situation?
 
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
 
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
 
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
 
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?
 
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
 
Should I call 9-1-1?
 
Why is this street so deserted?
 
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
 
This is all so confusing!
 
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Republican's Answer:
 
BANG!
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Southern Republican's Answer:
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.... (sounds of reloading).
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...
 
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips???

 

---

05/02/04

INTERESTING OBSERVATION WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

---------------------------------------------

Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to fix this link:
1) Go to www.google.com
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction" (DON'T hit return)
Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
3) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE page.
Someone really has a sense of humour. And will probably be fired soon!!!!
Or get a free "vacation" to Cuba!

---------------------------------------------

So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California (Or from Toronto, Ontario if you're a Canadian) if :

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English,

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze,

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor,

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian,

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,

10. What was that question about pot?

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice,

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney,

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH,"

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers,

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,

24. The Terminator is your governor.
============================================================

Just how observant are you?

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...(see below)

 

 

 

 

 

Managed it ? Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay? Yeah, you're smart, you found all 3......
Right?.........

 

 

 

 

 

How many? 3?
Wrong, there are 6 !! -no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning follows...

The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.

03/23/04

Presenting the new Laurel and Hardy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless.

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now -- you don't need him anymore.

---

03/14/04

Government Efficiency

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert.
 
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
 
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
 
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
 
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
 
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. 

---

FIFTY-ONE YEARS AGO HERMAN JAMES, A WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAIN MAN WAS DRAFTED BY THE ARMY.
 
ON HIS FIRST DAY IN BOOT CAMP, THE ARMY ISSUED HIM A COMB. THAT AFTERNOON THE ARMY BARBER SHEARED OFF ALL HIS HAIR.
 
ON HIS SECOND DAY, THE ARMY ISSUED HIM A TOOTH BRUSH. THAT AFTERNOON  THE ARMY DENTIST YANKED OUT SEVEN OF HIS TEETH.
 
ON THE THIRD DAY THE ARMY ISSUED HIM A JOCK STRAP. THE ARMY IS STILL LOOKING FOR HIM

---

Reward in Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted," You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long
cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to
pen the Declaration of Independence!".
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66
other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel,
"This is not what you promised me."...cried Osama
The Angel replied,
"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did
you think I said?"

---

03/05/04

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do
it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."  After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."

---

12/14/03

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They died and went to heaven and came to God sitting on the Great White Throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"  Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." 
 
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
 God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"  Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against
my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."  God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"  "I believe you're in my chair."
 

---

11/9/03

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out.
After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........
BASIC COW..............$500.00
Two tone exterior.......................$45.00
Extra stomach............................$75.00
Product storing equipment.......$60.00
Straw compartment...................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea...................$40.00
Leather upholstery.....................$125.00
Dual horns..................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

---

10/05/03

Almost 150 years ago,President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator,Alan Pinkerton,for protection.That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
 
Since that time,federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies----FBI,CIA,INS,IRS,DEA,ATF,etc.
 
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.Cant you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs?  F.A.T.A.S.S.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

---

09/21/03

Letter From Basic Training
A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for the old man by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not
so bad, there is warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
between boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.
Marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If
he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. It is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we
all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The
Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around
and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail

---

09/15/03

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.