Updated : Sunday, January 22, 2006 3:45 PM
The New English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy & Billy Carter)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups:
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.- Henny Youngman
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.- Herbert Henry Asquith
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Top Ten Gun Safety Tips
10: Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction away from people such
9: Dumb children may get hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your
8: No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey.
7: If guns make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before shooting your
6: When unholstering your gun, it's customary to say, "Excuse me while I
5: Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something, or are just
4: If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have
3: Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. That could mar the finish.
2: No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun, do not run
1: And the most important rule of gun safety: Don't get me mad!
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
Subject : UP!
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
Time to shut UP.....!
Oh...one more thing:
No Nativity Scene
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year !
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
The Little Red Hen-Modern version
Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.
She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.
And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
Noah and the American Made Ark
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate's technology which was stolen from another American - Steve Jobs, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by a Mexican illegal....That, my friends, is Globalization
The Blonde Numbers Game...
I was sitting next to a blond who was engrossed in reading a newspaper.
New Orleans is rebuilding. Sadly, here is their newest restaurant:
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother ."
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be an unintended effect of a seemingly innocent encounter.
While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".
He addressed the men,"For example, can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "It's Robin Hood All-purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of unintended celibacy.
Something To Think About
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house."
"I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever.
Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.
FOR SALE: TALKING DOG
He rings the doorbell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says:
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all
The guy is amazed, and he goes back to the house and asks the owner how much for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner says.
"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He only did half of that stuff, and made the rest up!
Subject: The end is near
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now!
Before it's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious fanatics!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...?
Abbott and Costello on computers
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
COSTELLO: That! 's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
An interesting quiz
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic
And finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
Give up yet?
Age does matter!
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Passport s'il vous plait!
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Gotta love that fairy!
Martha made a mistake, however, when she accused Sam, a new
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just